SURVIVING THANKSGIVING
(A Tale of Two Turkeys)
Once there were two Arkansas turkeys who were diagnosed with breast cancer within 1 week of each other. Turkey Nancy, who was no spring chicken, was diagnosed with extensive ducktal carcinoma in situ, while Turkey Patty was found to have a giblet-sized invasive tumor, plus involved nodes under her right wing.
Now, Turkey Patty was an unruffled and level-headed bird, so she set out to research her options, studying medical journals and practically memorizing Dr. Susan Dove's "Turkey Breast Book." Turkey Nancy, on the other hand, was totally distraught at hearing of her misfortune. For several days she ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, but eventually she settled down with her friend to talk turkey. Both birds were facing major decisions about surgery.
"I will NOT let any old Harry, Dick, or Tom Turkey cut off my breast!" squawked Turkey Nancy. "A turkey without a breast is like a day without sunshine." Turkey Patty, however, was a bird of a different feather. "I just want the damn thing off," she said.
So Turkey Nancy went to the Outpatient Aviary for a lumpectomy, and she was back in the roost in time to watch "The Partridge Family" on Nick at Night. The next day, Turkey Patty checked into the Tyson Women's Hospital for a modified radical mastectomy. She was cooped up for 2 days, then released with three drains, a featherweight prosthesis, and a list of wing exercises. (Both turkeys then went on a 6-month chemotherapy odyssey, but that is a tale of a different feather.)
All went well until the annual Thanksgiving selection parade. Turkey Patty, with her unremarkable chest, was flat-out rejected as unsuitable for the supermarket trade.
"Whoever heard of a Thanksgiving turkey with no breast?" said the sneering head foreman. "Put her out to roost." So Turkey Patty spent the rest of her days as a breeder, alternately laying eggs and getting laid, and dining twice a day on ground tofu and broccoli.
Turkey Nancy, on the other hand, was shipped off to a Kroger's Superstore in Madison, Wisconsin, where she was purchased for $23.95, with an aluminum foil roasting pan thrown in for good measure. And her tender, juicy, and still delectable breast was gobbled up by a blended family in Egg Harbor, all on a perfect Thanksgiving Day.
MORAL: Being flat isn't the end of the world.
on to pg. 3 